So we're watching Dead and Deader, one of the Sci Fi Channel's cinematic masterpieces, and I really wish I could get a job on the staff of the Sci Fi Channel, writing these movies. I mean, it's so simple. You don't have to worry about characterization, plot, anything! You roll the dice to come up with the premises and then just go with it!

HOW TO WRITE A SCI FI CHANNEL MOVIE:

Step 1: Come up with a premise.

Do this by choosing at least one item from each column in the following table:

Enemy	Location	What they do
Werewolves	Outer space	Eat people
Vampires	Prison	Eat people
Zombies	Army Base	Eat people
Aliens	Small Town	Eat people
Mutants	Cruise Ship	Eat people
Giant Insects	Abandoned Hospital	Eat people
Natural Disaster e.g., earthquake, volcano	Major city	Eat people

Using this chart, we can replicate the plot of any Sci Fi Channel movie. For example, consider the following premises:

1. Zombies in an abandoned hospital want to eat people


2. Werewolves in outer space want to eat people


3. Aliens on a cruise ship want to eat people


4. Giant insects in a prison want to eat people


5. A volcano on an Army base wants to eat people

Any of these could work as a premise for a typical Sci Fi Channel movie. For our working example, let's take number 5: the volcano on the Army base that wants to eat people.


Step 2: Come up with characters.

This is just as easy. Find a book of stereotypes and pick a few at random. For example: the tough but charming Army guy. The hot but brilliant (did I mention hot?) female doctor. The hooker with a heart of gold. The ambiguously gay black man. The mad scientist. And so on. For our example, let's choose two at random: the ambiguously gay black man and the mad scientist. We also need the hot but brilliant female doctor, because she's an absolute requirement (this is the Sci Fi Channel, after all, so our demographic is the 12 - 15 year old male).


Step 3: Research.

Should be avoided at all costs.



Step 3: Write dialogue.

Even easier! Consult a list of cliches, and use as many as you can, adjusting them only slightly for the situation. For example:

AMBIGUOUSLY GAY BLACK GUY: Oh my God, the volcano is growing at a mile a minute! What are we going to do?

MAD SCIENTIST: Well, obviously, I must twist the actions of the evil volcano to my own evil purposes! Bwah ha ha haaa!

HOT (BUT BRILLIANT) FEMALE DOCTOR: You're mad! You can't control a volcano! I must have sex with you now!

MAD SCIENTIST: With these extreme explosives that all Army bases have lying around, I can control the volcano easily! Bwah ha ha haaaa!

HOT (BUT BRILLIANT) FEMALE DOCTOR: You're mad! I shall stop you! I must have sex with you now!

AMBIGUOUSLY GAY BLACK GUY: Doc, we gotta stop meeting like this.

HOT (BUT BRILLIANT) FEMALE DOCTOR: Oh dear I seem to have torn my already dangerously short skirt and gotten my blouse wet! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE HAVE SEX WITH ME NOW!!! (Dies horribly)


Step 5: Special Effects

When facing a choice between special effects and, say, cheesy camera angles, go for the camera angles. For our man eating volcano movie, the special effects involved -- such as lava -- would be hideously expensive, even with modern CGI techniques, and could cost upwards of dozens of dollars. So we should economize wherever possible. Use spotlights with red gels to simulate heat and lava.


Step 6: Choose a Title

You're almost done! All that's left is to choose a title. You'll need either a one-word title with a dangerous sounding subtitle, or some pun on an already popular title. Good titles are Magma: Destruction from Below, or Destroyo! Death from Above, or Dead and Deader. For our working example, let's choose something like Volcano! Maneater at Fort Brennan!.


Step 7: Resolving the plot

In order to defeat your evil villain, you only need remember this: every problem can be solved with sufficient explosives.


Step 8: You're done!

At this point, your script is done. All that needs to be done is to film it! Save money by choosing Z-list actors, and do your best to make sure all scenes can be shot in one take (real men don't rehearse!). And there you have it! An original Sci Fi Channel movie in a week!